2. Being able to order the dogs about

For some reason, despite all the work I've done on my 'stern face' and 'authoritarian voice', the dogs refuse to recognise even simple commands I give them, no matter how many times I give them photocopies of the house hierarchy. Talk about falling on deaf ears, they don't even look at me unless I'm holding treats.

3. Watching TV in my room

I personally think I'm already old enough for this, I'm already one of only three people who can work Grandad's telly (worryingly he isn't on the list) and I have a wide portfolio of favourite programmes.
And if I need fresh air I can just open the window surely? Or watch Countryfile?

4. Staying up late

Mum and Dad say they do work and tidy up after I've gone to bed, but I'm not stupid - I've seen the scrabble board left out the next morning, and the empty Twiglet tins - I know that's when the real fun starts in our house. C'mon guys, just one game? Pleeease?

5. Smoking

No of course I'm not being serious, do you think I'm being raised by sailors or in prison? I've seen enough episodes of Fireman Sam to know that fires (even little ones) are dangerous, and smoke kills.
Grown ups - and I have to say I'm not including any of my immediate nearest and dearest here - have some very, very strange habits, and this one is right up there with washing up and watching cricket.