Recently in Pauls Apart Category

Beating Tottenham tomorrow would give me great pleasure for many reasons.

First, it would see us pull away to a comfortable distance from the mags and the rabble at the bottom.

But it would also allow us to bask in the glory of beating Harry - one of football's most misunderstood men.

PAUL JAMES

OK at least Del boy - on behalf of Ashley - is showing some ambition.

But how much does that mean we're going to have to spend in the summer? And will it be JFK spending it?

So Newcastle United "supremo" Derek Llambias has been doing a bit of grovelling in The Chronicle today.

Just in time for Valentine's Day, the club's bosses have decided to fall prostrate before the supporters, claiming they always meant to call them back, they just never got around to it.

PAUL JAMES:

Challenge for EVERYTHING?

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

PAUL LORAINE:

Challenge for EVERYTHING?

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

I'm reminded of that classic Salt-n-Pepper lyric: "What a man, what a man, what a man, what a mighty good man."

The news that Niall Quinn has cut ticket prices for next season and is offering a £19 season ticket for under-16s has me smiling today.

PAUL JAMES:

sunderland have today announced cuts in season ticket prices which will allow Under-16s to watch their team for just £1 a game. That's a season ticket for £19.

there are two things to note here...

Paul James:

Andy Reid is fat.

PAUL LORAINE:

"There were turning points in the game and I don't think - again - the big decisions have gone our way, but that's the way it is going for us at the moment."

No, not the words of Ricky nor any Sunderland player or fan, these are the words of Joe Kinnear. Never has a man so eloquently expressed his own derangement.

PAUL LORAINE:

It's just too good to be true.

Charles Insomnia. Owen and that cheeky little scamp Barton injured. Given on his way.

And now the icing on the cake: Paul McShane is out of the derby with a hamstring problem. Hallelujah.