You made that cliché your own...

I don't have access to the judges on a daily basis (or at all if truth be told) but I'll bet my best friend that an air of panic will have descended.

I mean in all seriousness (can you believe I wrote that with a straight finger when we're talking about the X Factor?) what are the camptastic four possibly going to say on Saturday?

If I was him I'd start by getting a stylist and making sure Sinitta never wears her So Macho lycra get up again... but in terms of the forthcoming policing of the cliché use during the nation's favourite singing contest, I would definitely consider introducing a two gongs and you're out-type monitoring system.

I can see it now...

Dermot: Louis, what did you think of [insert name of pretty mediocre - apart from Laura and Alexandra - singer here] tonight?

Louis: You nailed it. [GONG!] You look like a pop star up there tonight [GONG]

Dermot: Sorry Louis, you're out . Dannii?

Dannii: You owned that stage tonight [GONG] and made that song your own [GONG]

Dermot: What about you Cheryl? Could you stop welling up for a tick?

Cheryl: I don't think you know how good you are [GONG]. You are what people in this country have been waiting for [GONG].

Simon: I really don't think we've seen the best of you yet [GONG]. You are potentially world class [GONG].

It's my party and I'll cliché if I want to....You have the likeability factor...[GONG]... you've just made this competition interesting...[GONG]... you're the Marmite contestant...[GONG] you remind me of a young [insert the name of a legend here who is STRATOSPHERES above anything the contestants will ever do] [GONG].

It'd make me make more of an effort to watch... it would put the Fun Factor into X Factor. [GONG]

Fair enough.